Through two and a half years of divorcing a narcissist, I’ve learned to give a voice to thoughts that pop up from time to time. They usually come from nowhere but have a special kind of feel to them — like it’s my heart speaking, breaking another link in the chain that was my abusive, destructive, and toxic relationship.
Recently one such phrase rose up and has stuck in my head for a bit.
This is the end of the Mrs.
When I first got married, I struggled with changing my name. I was past my 30th Birthday and had all my degrees behind me. Every diploma and every award I’d ever gotten bore my birth name. There was a surrender – I guess – when I actually decided to change my name and drop my birth name. There was also a pride in the Mrs. I liked the way it sounded. We were a family, now, after all and in my mind families shared last names. Hyphenation was a way-out — it left room for an eventual separation (at least that’s how I saw it).
I wanted a fresh start with the family we were creating out of just us two.
Fast forward 12 years. Here comes the divorce. It would have NEVER happened except that it was essential to save my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth. I would be dead if I stayed with this person.
Anyway, again here comes the phrase that popped in my head
This is the end of the Mrs.
But I wasn’t crying and I certainly wasn’t sad at all. There was an acceptance that went with it and I decided to let the phrase dance free-form for a bit and see if anything else came with it. It didn’t feel finished.
You see, I’m actually okay with it. I remember telling my dad that I didn’t want his name anymore. I was free from the sheer hell and soul-gutting destruction that my life had became. I’m okay with my children know who I am and who I have been since my birth name was given to me by my parents. I took my spouse’s name, but it was never given to me.
So, as I am natually drawn to do, I told myself it was okay that THIS IS THE END OF THE MRS.
Then I kept thinking about why it was okay with me. And BINGO!
Why is there a Mrs. anyway?
Because there’s a Mr.
But you see, here’s where the light bulb went off…….he was no where near a “mister”, a man, a human being of the male persuasion. Narcissists can’t be. It’s not possible. I’m not saying this from a position of emasculating him – I don’t really care to go that route. I have researched, and learned all I could about his disorder and I’m confident that it’s just not possible for him to be a true human. (Side note: I’m not going to explain it in this post but if you’ve stumbled upon this blog click on the category of INFORMATION to learn more.)
So yeah, it IS the end of the MRS….. but it’s completely okay with me.
It’s okay because he wasn’t nearly a Mr.
It’s not a dig at him. It’s the honest truth because of his disorder. So I’m not nearly as sad at losing the Mrs. as I would have been 12 years ago when I was SURE divorce would never happen to me.
So I’m going back to my birth name, but not as a dig at my ex.
And it’s perfectly okay. I’m ready to reclaim the name that was given to me by my father and start anew with the old birth name and give that another 30 years and see what happens.
The Journey Through It 