Sneaky PTSD – and choices

No matter how strong you are feeling, be careful about PTSD sneaking up on you. 

Just happened to me and it was only from a scene in a movie I was watching. Good thing was I had the option to turn it off and walk away.

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The survivor moves on and learns some big life lessons. The narcissist continues to wallow in their own misery and self pity. When you realize this, you understand it really wasn’t about you but all about them.

Quoted from and more information can be found at this Facebook page (one of my favorites).

SURVIVE No Contact

In order to break a narcissist’s hold on you, there is a common recommendation of going NO CONTACT. Because a narc relies on emotional supply, positive or negative interactions are fair game. The recovery and help communities I’ve researched or encountered so far have all said the same thing.

You need to starve the narc of you (as the source of their supply) and they will move on.

So here’s a comprehensive list I found on one of the power FB pages I follow. Please feel free to click the link to get more support and further information.

YOU CAN DO IT

No Contact Rule

1. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no carrier pigeons. Make a list of every nasty hurtful thing they said and did to you and keep a copy near every communication device you own.

2. No “accidental” meetings (if you can help it). Change your routine. Go to the gym at a different time or on different days. Find an alternate sports pub. Go to a different grocery store. Yes, it’s unfair that you have to change your lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how you’ll heal. Alternatively, even if you have to have your best friend lock you in your apartment/house, do not go to places you know they’re likely to be. Even if you think you’re doing this to show you how happy you are without them, this will backfire on you. Don’t do it.

3. Avoid places that remind you of them. If it makes you turn into a sentimental mess to go to the restaurant the two of you went to every Friday night; don’t go.

4. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Ask your friends, family and associates not to tell you news of your ex or act as their intermediary. For example, when a person like your ex can’t reach you because you’ve gone No Contact, he/she’ll often enlist others to contact you for her. Alternatively, some people think they’re being helpful by telling you about your ex’s latest crazy antics or newest boyfriend. Nip this is the bud and explain that you prefer not to hear about your ex. Tell them that you know they mean well, but for the time being, you don’t want to know what he/she’s doing, who he/she’s dating or what her Facebook status is, etc.

5. Don’t keep a foot in the door. This applies to your foot as well as theirs. Whether it’s leaving a few things behind at your place or negotiating visitation with a pet, you must cut your losses. When you break up, get all of her stuff out of your home asap. Pack it up yourself and drop it off at her new place when you know she won’t be home or have it delivered. If you’re the one who moved out, do your best to get all of your belongings at once. Don’t leave anything behind that you can’t live without. Do not allow them or yourself an excuse to resume contact. If you adopted a pet while you were together, I know it’s painful, but just let them have the dog, cat, ferret, etc., and be grateful you only shared a quadruped and not a child.

6. Don’t take the bait. Many of these men/women send cruel, demeaning and often obscene emails, texts and voicemails. Your initial impulse may be to defend yourself or be “right.” Don’t fall for this. If you do, you’re taking their bait to keep you engaged. The only way you can “win” with a person like this is not to play their sick games and get on with your life without them.

7. The eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. Pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of him/her and “the good times”—all 2 or 3 of them.

8. Delete him/her from your life. Delete his/her name and number from your phones. Delete his/her email addresses. Delete his/her from MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn and every other website on which you’re currently connected. Block her incoming numbers, texts and emails. Do not answer calls from unknown or private callers. An abusive, crazy ex is the reason Caller ID was invented. Exception: If he/she is physically threatening you, blackmailing you or threatening to lie about you, save these communications and contact an attorney. You may need them for a restraining order and/or to press cyberstalking charges.

9. Avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. Drinking and dialing is generallyalways a big mistake. You don’t want to let this woman back into your life because you had one too many gin and tonics. Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse.

10. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. Get in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see because your ex threw a fit if you did. Start doing the things you used to enjoy. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise/working out if that’s one of the things that fell by the wayside while you were with your abusive ex. The goal is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind.

One of my readers refers to No Contact as “living in the bunker.” Here’s a list he shared with me on how to be a successful “bunker dweller.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone, but I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment No Contact requires:

• Ability to give up personal comforts and not care at all.
• Refusal to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences.
• Ability to change residences quickly and frequently. I have moved three times, soon to be four.
• Decisive severance of any residual communication links–mutual friends, Facebook, etc.
• Absolute refusal to feel shame or be put on the defensive–especially in your own mind.
• Insistence that any discussion of the facts begin with the words “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control”
• Refusal to negotiate until there is absolute capitulation (*he’s in the process of divorcing).
• Satisfaction that he/she picked the wrong guy to F*** with
• Accept collateral damage philosophically as the cost of freedom and further evidence of the rightness of your cause
• Extreme patience–don’t be worn down by any reversal, surprise, or consequence. Stay in the bunker as long as it takes

Source: https://www.facebook.com/notes/respite-from-sociopathic-behavior/no-contact-rule/432929100074988