Sneaky PTSD – and choices

No matter how strong you are feeling, be careful about PTSD sneaking up on you. 

Just happened to me and it was only from a scene in a movie I was watching. Good thing was I had the option to turn it off and walk away.

Life After the Narcissist

Ladywithatruck's Blog

Did you know that women who have been in an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to have heart disease?

It is almost like I am the poster child for “why you need to stay away from the narcissist in your life”.

Because of my devotion to JC, my determination to make it work, my belief that what we had was special and my faith that the “real” JC was kind and loving; I have jeopardized everything good in my life.

I get a little frustrated sometimes with women who come in here thinking they can’t go on without the N in their life, I understand totally how they feel I just get frustrated that I can’t convince them they will survive and life WILL be so much better the sooner they walk away.

I remember thinking I couldn’t live without JC in my life, I remember thinking all I…

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Grooming tactic

Narcissists use grooming techniques to get their target to a point of no return. They cajole, they flatter, and they prime the target’s expectations. In order to groom, the abuser needs to know what exactly the target is desperately wishing for. Then the N morphs him/herself into exactly that, breaks down the defenses of the target, and then latches on.

It sound insidious, doesn’t it?

I would have NEVER believed any of this was possible if I hadn’t lived through it. When I met my N, my family life was in turmoil and I had abandonment issues. He convinced me he was steady, stable, and really “got” where I was coming from.

He allowed me to express deep sadness and emotions that I didn’t even know where there. He made me feel beautiful, and loved, and wanted, and wonderful.

When things were going a bit south and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, we went to couples counseling together. Looking back I realized there was only one person speaking any kind of truth in that room with the counselor. My N was picking my brain — looking for more and more ways to morph himself into someone I wanted.

I’m getting physically ill typing this, and will probably revisit this post at some point. However, if grooming is something you’d like to read more about, please feel free to click on the quote below. It’s linked to an informative page on the topic of grooming.  It’s that information that got me started on this post to begin with.

Best wishes to you, dear warrior!

…. predator will identify and engage a victim and work to gain the target’s trust, break down defenses, and manipulate the victim until they get whatever it is they are after. Overt attention, verbal seduction (flattery / ego stroking), recruitment, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalizing, gaslighting, secrecy, and threats are all hallmarks of grooming.

 

SURVIVE No Contact

In order to break a narcissist’s hold on you, there is a common recommendation of going NO CONTACT. Because a narc relies on emotional supply, positive or negative interactions are fair game. The recovery and help communities I’ve researched or encountered so far have all said the same thing.

You need to starve the narc of you (as the source of their supply) and they will move on.

So here’s a comprehensive list I found on one of the power FB pages I follow. Please feel free to click the link to get more support and further information.

YOU CAN DO IT

No Contact Rule

1. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no carrier pigeons. Make a list of every nasty hurtful thing they said and did to you and keep a copy near every communication device you own.

2. No “accidental” meetings (if you can help it). Change your routine. Go to the gym at a different time or on different days. Find an alternate sports pub. Go to a different grocery store. Yes, it’s unfair that you have to change your lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how you’ll heal. Alternatively, even if you have to have your best friend lock you in your apartment/house, do not go to places you know they’re likely to be. Even if you think you’re doing this to show you how happy you are without them, this will backfire on you. Don’t do it.

3. Avoid places that remind you of them. If it makes you turn into a sentimental mess to go to the restaurant the two of you went to every Friday night; don’t go.

4. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Ask your friends, family and associates not to tell you news of your ex or act as their intermediary. For example, when a person like your ex can’t reach you because you’ve gone No Contact, he/she’ll often enlist others to contact you for her. Alternatively, some people think they’re being helpful by telling you about your ex’s latest crazy antics or newest boyfriend. Nip this is the bud and explain that you prefer not to hear about your ex. Tell them that you know they mean well, but for the time being, you don’t want to know what he/she’s doing, who he/she’s dating or what her Facebook status is, etc.

5. Don’t keep a foot in the door. This applies to your foot as well as theirs. Whether it’s leaving a few things behind at your place or negotiating visitation with a pet, you must cut your losses. When you break up, get all of her stuff out of your home asap. Pack it up yourself and drop it off at her new place when you know she won’t be home or have it delivered. If you’re the one who moved out, do your best to get all of your belongings at once. Don’t leave anything behind that you can’t live without. Do not allow them or yourself an excuse to resume contact. If you adopted a pet while you were together, I know it’s painful, but just let them have the dog, cat, ferret, etc., and be grateful you only shared a quadruped and not a child.

6. Don’t take the bait. Many of these men/women send cruel, demeaning and often obscene emails, texts and voicemails. Your initial impulse may be to defend yourself or be “right.” Don’t fall for this. If you do, you’re taking their bait to keep you engaged. The only way you can “win” with a person like this is not to play their sick games and get on with your life without them.

7. The eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. Pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of him/her and “the good times”—all 2 or 3 of them.

8. Delete him/her from your life. Delete his/her name and number from your phones. Delete his/her email addresses. Delete his/her from MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn and every other website on which you’re currently connected. Block her incoming numbers, texts and emails. Do not answer calls from unknown or private callers. An abusive, crazy ex is the reason Caller ID was invented. Exception: If he/she is physically threatening you, blackmailing you or threatening to lie about you, save these communications and contact an attorney. You may need them for a restraining order and/or to press cyberstalking charges.

9. Avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. Drinking and dialing is generallyalways a big mistake. You don’t want to let this woman back into your life because you had one too many gin and tonics. Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse.

10. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. Get in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see because your ex threw a fit if you did. Start doing the things you used to enjoy. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise/working out if that’s one of the things that fell by the wayside while you were with your abusive ex. The goal is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind.

One of my readers refers to No Contact as “living in the bunker.” Here’s a list he shared with me on how to be a successful “bunker dweller.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone, but I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment No Contact requires:

• Ability to give up personal comforts and not care at all.
• Refusal to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences.
• Ability to change residences quickly and frequently. I have moved three times, soon to be four.
• Decisive severance of any residual communication links–mutual friends, Facebook, etc.
• Absolute refusal to feel shame or be put on the defensive–especially in your own mind.
• Insistence that any discussion of the facts begin with the words “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control”
• Refusal to negotiate until there is absolute capitulation (*he’s in the process of divorcing).
• Satisfaction that he/she picked the wrong guy to F*** with
• Accept collateral damage philosophically as the cost of freedom and further evidence of the rightness of your cause
• Extreme patience–don’t be worn down by any reversal, surprise, or consequence. Stay in the bunker as long as it takes

Source: https://www.facebook.com/notes/respite-from-sociopathic-behavior/no-contact-rule/432929100074988

Family, Friends, Coworkers, and Others

When you live with a narcissist, eventually the topic of family, friends, coworkers and others will come up. Over time slowly and progressively you will begin to hear opinions or comments made about these people. You likely will be told that:

1. They do not share “our” views.
2. They are out to get something from us.
3. They are stupid.
4. They are beneath us.
5. They do not understand us.
6. They try to interfere.
7. They get in the way.
8. They are crazy, different or weird.
9. They are dangerous.
10. They are immature.
11. They are poor or rich.
12. They are unsuccessful.
13. They are uneducated.
14. They are foreign.
15.They are not like you.

They are _______. Doesn’t matter pick a label. The purpose of this is of course to isolate you. In the beginning they will love your family and friends as their own…slowly though all of the people in your life will fail to meet expectation and will be dropped. Oh yeah…the last one to be discarded will likely be you.

Re-posted from one of the Facebook pages I follow.  See it here: Pierce the Darkness

A marathon and leaving a narcissist

For me, the way through the horror and soul wrenching journey of leaving a narcissistic abuser started with a plan to train for my first marathon. I had no intentions of leaving my husband when I created the plan in 2009 to run a marathon in two years.

Instead, I was interested in getting healthier and stronger after two very difficult pregnancies, two c-sections, and a gall bladder surgery. I was tired of surrendering my body over to things I couldn’t control.

I trained for two years. After a year of training, I did a 5K and threw myself a party. Guess who was absent on that day? The narc. He had some bogus “trip” planned for that exact weekend. Most everyone else in my life could see just how incredible that first 5K was for me — former colleagues and students ran with me, my family was at the finish line, former classmates came to the party, I got flowers delivered from California on that special day, and I had hundreds of followers on Facebook during my journey — they were my cheering section.

During the second year of training, the abuse from my narc got worse. My narc decided I wasn’t a good source of supply anymore and he focused his attention on bringing me down. I endured some of the most HORRIBLE things I could ever imagine would ever come from the man I married and had two children with. His narc mask came off – it had been there for 15 years.

He brought the kids into it, sabotaging my training efforts by drying up money for babysitters and being a complete bastard about watching the kids when I wanted to run. He did everything in his power to sabotage my efforts. Eventually – right around the time I completed the marathon, he tried to take the kids away from me for good – creating the switch from marathon training to leaving the narc.

That’s what makes my marathon so special to me.

Most people would agree that running a marathon is kind of like a metaphor for life: in order to complete one you really need to continue beyond your own limits. (Feel free to watch the trailer for the movie The Spirit of the Marathon to see what I mean).

Many people say completing a marathon will change your life forever. It’s true, it will.

I wound up completing my marathon on July 5, 2011 — and on that day, absent of course, was the narc. It was one of the most amazing accomplishments that I had ever done – physically (besides getting through two really difficult pregnancies).

The other test of amazing accomplishments would come in the next two years as I went through the hell that is leaving a narc.

Hey N, keep trying

You cheated on me.

When I was pregnant with our first child.

After being together for 10 years.

I tried to forgive you – for the sake of our family. I wound up quitting a job I was really good at.

But all was not lost — I found a new career that I was equally as good at. Apparently that made you so jealous that you had to try your hand at that type of career yourself.

You failed.

I was still working on our family — whoops another baby on the way.

Well not only did you try to kill me and hope the baby died, you relished in my struggle for sanity — all the while manufacturing reality and playing manipulative games.

I set my sights on getting healthy and you all but sabotaged my efforts.

I finally stood up to you and got protection from you. You tried to take the kids and erase me from their lives. I stood my ground.

You lost.

You keep losing.

I am simply telling the truth.

Keep trying, I won’t stop.

And I won’t be beat.

Ever.

Again.

Mine was a covert narcissist

A covert narcissist attempts to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in a relationship. They ultimately suck up all the finances within the relationship, cut off their partner’s contact with family and friends and damage or lose their partner’s official forms of identification claiming it was an accident leaving them without money or proof of who they are. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don’t have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control over their situation before then going on to wear down their partner’s sense of self-identity – there can be very serious health consequences for the victim.

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

Narcissists love to use Gaslighting techniques.

Here’s a true story to help bring it home. This woman’s battle and her bravery to speak up is inspirational!

http://onemomsbattle.com/Narcissistic+Personality+Disorder+and+Gaslighting